My pride is my shield, My dreams are my compass, My happiness is my weapon: Funny Sayings

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Funny Sayings

Doctors say the more birthdays you have the longer you live
When picking between two evils, pick the one you've never done before
California's a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
Electricity is organized lightning
Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have the time
I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens
I am the literary equivalent of a BigMac and fries
I bought some new batteries, but they weren't included
I do not have 3000 pairs of shoes, I have 1600
I intend to live forever, so far so good
When I was four I was the kid next door's imaginary friend
I would never die for my beliefs, what if I'm wrong
If truth is beauty, how come nobody dies their hair in a library
If 2 wrongs don't make a right, try three
Life is hard, after all, it kills you
My sister had a profound influence on me, she's crazy too
Start everyday with a smile and get it over with
Tragedy's when I get a paper cut comedy's when someone falls in a sewer and dies

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More Quotes

"The ethical man knows to never cheat on his wife, while the man of morals actually wouldn't."

--Ernest Patridge

"When a swimming pool of context turns to be unreliable, you discover reality."

--Mr. Johnson

"Everyone complains about the weather, but no one does anything to change it."

-- Mark Twain

"You can't notice how perfect life is, until you tilt your head back and laugh at the sky."

--Buddha

"Life is like riding a bike. You can't keep balanced unless you keep moving."

--Albert Einstein

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

--Benjamin Franklin

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

--Dr. Seuss

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."

--Helen Keller

"If you do not fail, you can't learn. If no one ever failed our world would be senseless and cold. "

"The human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art."

--Leonardo da Vinci

"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance."

--Confucius

Funny Sayings

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

If at first you don't succeed failure might just be your style

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I would never die for my beliefs, what if I'm wrong?

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is anymore.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Never floss with a stranger.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.